Hanger Management
Or How to Survive Another Meeting That Could Have Been an Email
In the good ol’ days prior to the pandemic, most meetings were held in person within a singular organization. When I started working back in the late 1900s, these meetings were held weekly and deemed necessary for providing updates on day-to-day operations, monthly for summaries of what had been accomplished, and biannually for planning purposes. Oftentimes redundant and overlapping, as tends to be the case with most meetings were the 80/20 rule (which has an actual scientifice name) applies, department meetings veer off into personal matters about home improvement and gardening, which, if you read my previous post, were not of the least interest to me until I purchased a home. It was in these meetings that I learned I was the embodiment of the Snickers’ campaign slogan, “You’re not yourself when you’re hungry.”
For the record, if I were to become an actor in these commercials, I would like my hungry alter ego to be Robert de Niro’s deranged character in the Taxi Driver scene.
Again, prior to the pandemic, meetings were held in person unless there were cases where businesses had overseas or outer space operations (see Armageddon for *spoiler alert* Bruce Willis’ heartwrenching hero speech).
Even in popular media, whenever these meetings were depicted as in one of the closing scenes of *again spoiler alert* Meet Joe Black (one of Brad Pitt’s finest performances outside of Legends of the Fall and Mr. and Mrs. Smith), the person who was remote was generally referenced as a phone-in voice rather than an on-screen presence.
Brad Pitt. Wow. Should I just do an entire blog of images?
Anyway, what was I talking about?
Oh yeah.
Then came the pandemic, where everything happened via computer, and Zoom became the frontrunner in meeting software. Now, in the reopenings after the pandemic, Zoom meetings are de rigueur, even if folks are in the same building, same floor, or even same office space. However, there are the occasional outliers, those who choose for one reason or another to still hold meetings in person.
It’s when these meetings run over time that I have issues, especially when the extended time starts cutting into lunch.
I cease to hear words when I’m hungry.
That far-off look I get is the mirage of a steak, much like you would see in cartoons, where the person I am talking to suddenly turns into one.
This phenomenon was much worse when I was in my early twenties, especially since my metabolism was so high back then that I could actually eat a whole porterhouse with a baked potato after having an appetizer, and still have the nerve to cap it off with a dessert. I was also working out at an actual gym three days a week. In those days, I would walk out of meetings when they crossed too far into lunchtime, especially if the main agenda points were covered.
No preamble. No “I’ll be right back.” Just an Irish exit, without the goodbye.
Now it’s easier to attend meetings in our little Zoom boxes where, if I get too hungry, I can just go off camera, put “brb” in the chat, go get food, and stay off camera while I munch. There are other times I go off camera, and that usually occurs when controversial topics are discussed in meetings. My face is expressive, so even when I am not speaking, if I am surprised, my expression is readable. For the most part, I try to keep my face neutral, but there are occasions that make it difficult.
I also choose not to show my face on Zoom screens when I am fatigued. Somehow, I picked up the belief that it was rude to yawn in professional meetings, so I do everything I can to either stifle them or cover them with an object other than my hand. Again, in Zoomland, it is easier.
I don’t always turn off the camera when I eat. If I’m snacking, much like I am now as I type this blog, I am not that concerned with a camera, depending on the snack. If it is a meeting where I am not expected to engage, I can snack freely on camera on a couple of occasions: if it’s poppable snack like Dot’s Homestyle Pretzels (TM) or grapes, or if it is a neat forkable bite (no knife involved), such as a piece of cheesecake.
Items I won’t eat on camera:
chicken, if for no other reason than the bits get stuck in my newly aligned teeth, but also because if wings, they require handling; the same goes for ribs, or any other food that could stain or slip out of my fingers
food that requires two hands in general, especially if there is cutlery, as in actually having to cut with a knife
salad
That last one on the list goes into the category of rogue food. I could honestly do an entire blog post on what not to eat on a date, and salad tops the list. Even though I eat them at least twice a week during warm weather days, salads are a menace in every way, from the dressing to the lettuce size.
I say all this to say that over the years I have learned to cope with my hanger issues. One way is by eating on schedule. I understand that while my body can’t handle food until at least two hours after being vertical, I need to consume something by at least 10am. I also should have lunch by no later than 1:30pm. Another good trick is to have snacks. Plenty of them.
One thing I’ve noticed in my widowhood is that my appetite has changed. I don’t eat as much as I used to, so the porterhouses are out, and sometimes I skip dinner altogether in favor of a salty snack. I don’t really recommend this as it is not the healthiest habit, one that I am trying to slowly break and reframe with other options. So far though, the salty snacks have been winning that battle. There is currently a half bag of Grandma Utz Kettle-Style potato chips on my bedroom nightstand, and the only reason I am resisting the temptation to eat them all is that they go really well with ice cream. This particular bag of chips hearkens back to my childhood when my mother would buy cans of Charles Chips, then use the tin as a cookie jar (and OMG, I just found out they are still in business and deliver).
My point is that the Hangry Monster has been, if not tamed, at least appeased.